did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
