I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
nutella sex= disaster
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And then he peed in my hair
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