so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
