shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
