I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize