...so i touched it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
