I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
