you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
