i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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