Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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