Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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