Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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