just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
