marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize