i need an iv and a liver transplant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
