she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
