those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
