perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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