Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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