So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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