Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
