You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
