my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
BRING THE BAGELS
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
