i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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