new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
