I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
