i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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