For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
