Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
