Having a random hookup so left but love u
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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