Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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