my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
