the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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