if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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