We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize