to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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