Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize