I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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