it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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