I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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