heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
