I heard we made out
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
