My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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