I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
