I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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