Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
