Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
