He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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