You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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