Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
