Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who died my cat blue again?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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