Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There r osticjed everywhere
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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