when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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