My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
