I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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