I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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