Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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